Learning to Relax

I'm an endless striver.

In some ways, that works very well for me.  I finished a masters degree, have attained a pretty high level of success in my career and have written 7 feature film screenplays and a book.  If I didn't have this ability to defer gratification and work towards a goal, none of these things would have happened.

But there is a down side.

Ambition can leave you unhappy with what you already have and wanting more.  This weekend I decided to do nothing as I was exhausted from a very active schedule over the past few months.    By Friday at about 6PM it was clear I had nothing on my plate for work for the weekend.  I had deferred visits with friends too, in order to get some downtime.  Should have been bliss, right?  All I could think about was "what could we be doing this weekend?"  Should we go and look at houses?  Should we go shopping?

I couldn't just relax and do nothing.  It felt wrong.

I think it actually points to an inability to be happy with what "is."  We have a perfectly lovely condo we're leasing until (we hope) the Toronto housing market calms the eff down (more on that insanity later).  Even if we have to leave because the landlord decides to sell, it won't be until February.  So why look at houses now?  It just sets up longing for something we don't have.

A few days ago I posted about wanting another baby.   There's nothing wrong with that, in and of itself, but I think about it so much I sometimes don't focus on the one that I have!  We got very lucky with Char and we likely won't get that lucky again.  I should be enjoying her, every day, instead of thinking of some future day when I may or may not be pregnant.  If I don't address this issue, I'll probably find something else to long for, even when pregnant or holding a newborn!

So, how do you take a quality that is very positive in some situations and turn it off for others?  Is there a way to reframe desires and wants so that they don't make you miserable?

Will I ever learn to truly relax and enjoy what is?

I think I'm starting to understand what I want from this year. Here's the list so far:

1. Enjoy my work - more importantly do the work that I am meant to do
2. Learning to relax - be happy with what is, without losing site of other goals

Things I'm still on the fence about:

3. Having a second child

Char got us up at 5am this morning for no discernible reason and I had a real "are you crazy" moment about having another.  Maybe it's unrealistic to expect you'll love every minute of parenting.  This worries me.

More to come in the days ahead.  My health is a biggie and one that I've neglected in a way that surprises me.  For a smart person I sure do some dumb things.

In the meantime, enjoy your weekend!  I will try!

M