Saturday, July 30, 2011

Rest In Peace, Bill Jamieson


A few years ago, my sister, Tracey Cox and I co-wrote a book called "The Successful Rebel".  It's a self-help book my sister came up with after searching for some guidance for "unconventional" people and their unique careers.  She found a dearth of material out there about people who had eschewed traditional paths and yet were still successful.  We interviewed a group of astonishing people to see what had helped them get to where they were and one of them was Bill Jamieson, of Jamieson Tribal Arts.

Bill died suddenly on July 3, 2011.  We found out about it when a magazine contacted my husband requesting permission to print Bill's picture from the photo shoot we did for The Successful Rebel.  I was quite surprised and saddened to hear he had passed.  Bill was a very young 57 - lively, engaged, healthy and appeared to be very happy.  He was also only 14 years older than me, and 10 years older than my sister, so it hit us harder than either of us expected.

What struck me most about Bill was his childlike wonder for the world and how much he loved his "job". It was really more of a calling, actually, and he had spooky recollections of how he came to be in the unusual line of work.  When my husband, photographer James Ireland, and I visited Bill to take his portrait for the book,  I was 4 months pregnant and showing already.  I remember Bill making a comment that "we didn't waste any time" when hearing we'd only been married for a year before conceiving.  He just assumed we were young, I guess, in much the same way he considered himself eternally young.

He was warm and welcoming in his amazing space.  I'd truly never seen anything like it before and I doubt I'll ever see anything like it again: mummies, coffins, shrunken heads, exotic taxidermy, tribal masks, shields... an electric chair.  It was a stunning collection of artifacts.  We set up our clunky lighting equipment amongst all of these priceless pieces without Bill batting an eyelash.  He was surprised by the trouble we were going to and flattered, it appeared.  He even let me wrap his torso in yards and yards of gauze to evoke the mummies that had made him so famous (and wealthy).  He worked with us for hours to get the right shot, never complaining, telling us amazing stories about how'd he'd come to have this or that piece, how he discovered Ramses the first, the amazing twists and turns his life had taken.

James was struck by his lack of pretension.  I was struck by his enthusiasm for what he did.  I was jealous of it, actually, as I am whenever I meet someone who is managing to pay the bills doing something they love.  When we saw all three levels of the place, we knew he was doing more than just "paying the bills".  He was flourishing.



We left that day with our tons of equipment and Bill and Jessica helped us get it to the car.  He could have just shown us the door and hastily shooed us out, but he was far too polite and helpful for that.  In the weeks and months following he invited us to many of his bashes.  I wish we'd been able to attend but between my progressing pregnancy and James' health, it never made sense to go.  Now I wish I had, at least once.

Tracey attended the Memorial Service last week and shared the following.

For our dear friend, Billy Jamieson… Long may your freak flag fly.


We first became aware of the force of nature that was Billy Jamieson when we interviewed him for our book, “The Successful Rebel”. Billy was an incredibly interesting interview subject, and his views on life, love and success were always commented upon when someone told us that they had read our book.


Billy was everyone’s hero, with the fantastical tale of his discovery of Ramses the first’s mummy and its subsequent journey back to the Cairo Museum. The romance and love of Egyptian culture and history calls to many of us, and it seemed that all of our readers wanted to know more about Billy Jamieson.
Billy told us many stories during the interview process, and after some reflection he would phone the next day and say things like “oh, you better not print that, someone might not like that." Billy was well aware that not everyone on earth was as open minded as himself, so it would have been nice to have written everything that he talked about. Every single story was so inspiring, and if someone judged him negatively, then perhaps they were really missing the point of being a Successful Rebel. They probably wouldn’t like our book either.


Billy’s business was called Golden Chariot Productions, and he told us the story of the name when we first started interviewing him. He was on a spiritual quest earlier in his life, and Billy met a Shaman in South America and did a ceremony where he had a vision. The vision was of a Golden Chariot, coming down to earth and picking Billy up. He then flew over the sands and pyramids of Egypt, never knowing that later in his life he would be flying the mummy of Ramses the first home to these same pyramids. It was his spirit guides sending him a message of the future. We all have dreams like this, it’s just very difficult to decipher them at the time. But Billy knew that it was a sign, and he got on with things. That was what everyone admired about him, he would make a decision and just get on with things, charming people into being just as enthusiastic as he was.


At his memorial service on July 26th which was held at the Liberty Grand in Toronto, a massive outpouring of love and admiration was offered to his family, from the crowd of approximately 1500 Billy fans. A diverse cross section of artists, collectors, business people, and entertainment industry insiders shared stories about Billy and offered support for the loved ones left behind. We hope and pray that Billy’s work in the area of art and antiquities will continue in some form, and that his Golden Chariot will continue to fly.

I didn't know Bill well, but I am glad to have met him.



On to the next great adventure, Billy!

Warmest Regards,

M

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Facing Facts

There are times in your life when you have to be honest about where you're at.  And it can be very tough to realize that certain things just aren't going to happen.

My list has gotten longer lately.

I am struggling to accept the following things about myself:

I will probably never be a thin person.
I've been struggling with my weight my entire life (or at least since I was 10 years old) and it never gets any better or any easier.  In fact, my latest attempt to "do something" about this tripped off a binge of epic proportions.  I'd been berating myself for not getting on top of my expanding waistline, wondering where all those years had gone since I vowed to get thin.  How could I have let it go on so long, get so out of control?  I know why now.  Even thinking about changing my eating habits made me want everything I "couldn't have".  We had to go on a low carb, sugar free diet for my husband's illness (new medications) and I immediately started eating compulsively, even though the food we were eating was delicious and plentiful.  I've become so attuned to restricting my food that the mere contemplation of it generates a vicious backlash.  I read an article on the National Post the other day that at least made me feel a bit less guilty about this.  With the level of stress in my life these days, it's no wonder I cling to my drug of choice so fervently.  Yuck.

I will probably never work as a screenwriter.
I have spent at least 10 years of concerted effort (and a number of years frittering away my time and energy) trying to get a career in screenwriting off the ground.  I attended UCLA, the best school in the world for screenwriting, and even followed it up with a stint at the Canadian Film Centre.  I had a film pre-selected for Cannes for effs sake.  But I couldn't make it happen.  I tried folks, I really tried, but it just did not work.  And now I have no love or passion for it.  I see movies coming out of Hollywood and with a few notable exceptions, cannot imagine myself writing them.  With so many fresh faces pouring out of film schools every year, and so many talented writers already scrambling for the handful of script assignments there are, this is mission impossible.  Or rather, I don't have the stomach for the game any more, so there's no point trying.  That was expensive.  And a lot of work.

I will probably never have a second child.
This one surprised me.  As I mentioned on an earlier blog, I never thought I'd want more than one, or even expect I could/should have more than one. In spite of my advanced age, (I'm 43), in spite of the fact that I have stage 4 endometriosis, and in spite of all evidence to the contrary, I assumed that because I got pregnant once, that I could just "do it again" at the drop of a hat.  A few days ago, I got a blood test done that measured my day 3 hormones, (the dreaded CD3 tests that strike fear into many women's hearts) and low and behold, I got my first taste of impending menopause.  After staying relatively stable below 10 until a year ago, my FSH levels have ratcheted up to 14, making the likelihood of a spontaneous pregnancy almost impossible.  Unfortunately, as my doctor informed me, it's not enough to use for birth control, but it's highly unlikely anything will happen.  So now I'm stuck between wondering if it's possible and protecting against it if it is?  In my heart of hearts, I know it's not going to happen and it probably shouldn't.  I'm old.  I'm grey.  I'm tired.  And my husband is sick.  We're done.  But it makes me sad.

I've entertained a litany of other fantasies about myself, spurred on by the fact that I (used to be) young and that anything can happen. So...

I will probably never be a rock star.
I will probably never be a model, (not even a plus size model).
I will probably never live in the South of France (or Napa, or even Niagara) in my own vineyard.
I will probably never perform on a large (or small) stage.
I will probably never get a PhD.
I will probably never host my own talk show.
I will never be on Oprah (but then again, no one will now, the show's done). 

Funny, while writing that list I felt very uncomfortable.  Like letting go of the dream was too painful.  So I added "probably" to my statements.

I mean, who knows.

Perhaps I'm not ready to face facts?

M








Sunday, July 17, 2011

The Cure For Sunday Nightitis

Last we talked, which was some time ago (apologies, I fell victim to the common blogger problem - head full of steam out of the gate, then burnout), I was complaining about how work really begins on Sunday.  The fretting, the worrying, the anticipation of trouble.  It was almost as if you should just clock in and get it over with.

Well, quite by accident, I discovered the cure.  Schedule yourself from morning until night on Sunday, but this time, with fun stuff.  For the last two weekends, we've had very busy Sundays.  First with our daughter's 2nd birthday party (thank you grandpa & grandma for organizing that for us) and this week with a trip to friends for visiting, swimming and a small feast.

In the past, I'd always reserved Sundays for "recovery" so that I'd arrive to work on Monday morning rested and ready to go.  What I've found, however, is that by doing so, you start to do work, mentally, for hours before you're actually at work.  In essence, you rob yourself and your family of your time by doing this.  And it's not like it makes the week any easier.  All that work is still waiting for you.

Which brings me to the second thing I talked about last week. Working 9-6 and no more than that.

Ha.

That didn't go as planned.

Day one I got up early, before hubby and baby and thought "I'll just get this out of the way before she wakes up."  So I started work at around 7am and essentially didn't knock off until about 7 that night.  But, I must say, I did take care of some personal stuff during the day, so the actual number of hours I worked was only about 8.  But I lost most of my day and evening threading it through work responsibilities.

Working from home has benefits, and drawbacks, but it certainly blurs the lines between work and personal time.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Sunday Nightitis

Why do we feel so compelled to rob the present to serve the future?

It's only 4PM on the Sunday of a long weekend and I've already started to worry about work, already started to mentally plan all of the tasks I have to accomplish and silently composing email in my head.

I kinda hate Sundays. They're a day off, which is great, but they're bittersweet, because they come tinged with sadness. You know you can't stay up late, or go out, because you're facing the most dreaded day of the week, Monday. Sometimes I think I should just work fewer hour, 7 days a week to keep this from happening. I'm not being flippant. It's like summer holidays with children - you almost forget what you learned and spend the first few days of the week adjusting.

For me, weekends are a bit of a struggle. Did I do too little or too much? Will I feel rested and rejuvenated or worn out? This weekend I decided to do nothing, the second such weekend in a row (gasp).  For the most part, other than a brief shopping trip performed when Char was napping and Daddy was happily ensconced in front of the TV watching baseball, I did nothing. Did I feel rejuvenated?  Actually no, I felt like a slug. So the balance, this weekend went too far to the "do nothing" side.

Unfortunately, having time on my hands gave me time to start thinking about my week. And I have to admit, dread crawled in there and took up residence. Not a good sign, in my humble opinion. The drive to the next weekend begins Monday morning and we find ourselves wishing our days away. Before you know it, you're 50 and looking back and thinking, what happened? I don't think that's what we're meant to do or why we're on the planet. I could be wrong.

I promised myself I'd do one thing differently this week. I will only work between 9am and 6pm this one week as an experiment to see if it will lower my stress levels.  It will be surprisingly difficult, I think. It's a huge week and people have become very accustomed to me responding to email and even phone calls until I go to bed. On one such occasion, I was trying to put my daughter in her crib when the phone vibrated, over and over again.  You can't imagine the angst spiral that came out of that experience.

But boundaries are my responsibility, not theirs.

And so I start this week, trying not to be mentally "on the clock" just yet, with a view to keeping my hours to 45.  At least I don't view 40 hours as part time, like so many people right now.

Wish me luck!

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Bad Parenting

Most days I feel like a bad parent.

Don't get me wrong, Char is loved and adored beyond compare.  She is the light of my life and my number one priority, but all my wonderful plans for how I was going to raise this "free range baby" have evaporated along with adequate sleep.

It's a slippery slope, this descent into (far) less than perfect, and it began waaaay back before she was even conceived. I had read, and believed, that one should basically live like a monk in the year leading up to the blessed event (and I don't mean the birth) so that the "vessel" could be pure and conception "perfect".  It all started out OK, with organic, gluten free, dairy free, home made portion controlled meals I slaved over all weekend, but quickly descended into frequent trips to Dairy Queen for a Blizzard.

I also remember reading that stress was bad for conception and that it should be avoided at all costs if you wanted to get pregnant.  At the time I was working in a newsroom; hardly a peaceful environment for planting the seed.  I was sure there was no way I'd be able to get pregnant working at that job and was busily trying to engineer a way out. And then it happened.  In one of the most stressful weeks in my professional career: a federal election, the launch of a new video service and a company takeover,  it happened.  I got pregnant.  Fully and totally stressed out, while living off fast food and coffee.

Go figure.

I decided as soon as I heard, I'd eat like a monk again.  And it worked, for a short period of time until the nausea hit.  Then, for some unknown reason I was craving lunch meat (great - hello listeriosis?) and could only keep down crackers, potato chips and hard candies to keep from retching at work.  Hardly a diet that would build a super baby, but she stuck around.  Things got better in the 2nd trimester after a close call with gestational diabetes, and then slid back into a bad place with the siren call of Blizzards and home baked muffins and cookies at the end.  Curiously, I only gained 7 pounds.

All the diet stuff aside, we were also trying to have a natural birth.  We hired a doula, got a midwife and attended classes in HypnoBirthing.  This, I can actually say, we did very well.  We were great students, did all our homework and dutifully attended the classes. We were feeling pretty good about our chances to have a natural birth.  But Char had other plans.  Two weeks late and every last idea we had was shot to sh*t.  I won't bore you with the details again, but it wasn't pretty.  So that little attempt at being a "natural" mom didn't work either.

Then came breast feeding.  Anyone who knows me, knows my boobs.  It's not like I showcase them, it's just that you can't avoid them.  I have to say when I was about 18 years old they were pretty impressive and for a brief time I did let them out to be seen.  But within a few years the weight and the wardrobe crept back over them like a glacier over the rockies.   Still, there are some things you can't hide.  So it would follow, you'd think, that breast feeding wouldn't just be easy, it would be resplendent!  I imagined poor Char overwhelmed by the torrent of motherly love pouring her way.  We (James and I) became strident advocates of the practice before we'd even tried it.  What could be more natural?  More normal?

In yet another cosmic joke, that didn't work out either.  And it wasn't from lack of trying.  My poor little girl lost weight in the first few weeks, trying desperately to get those giant orbs functioning.  I remember her tiny hand coming down on the side of my massive breast, slapping it, to try and "make it go."  No dice.  What followed was a cavalcade of visitors all well versed in breast feeding, with tricks, techniques, pumps, herbal teas and admonitions to "lock ourselves in the bedroom for 24 hours" to get things worked out.

Hah.

What surprised me about all this was the lengths that "natural" folks were willing to go - even using an off-label pharmaceutical to try and get things moving. That didn't seem very natural to me. There's a real lack of understanding about this from the natural birthing community when it doesn't work out.  It felt like a massive failure.  Not long after I finally gave up, I was told my hormones had made it pretty much impossible to breast feed.  But that didn't take the sting away; to this day I wish it had worked out. Because according to the "experts" my daughter won't be as smart, healthy, well adjusted, resilient or feel as loved as if I had been able to breast feed her.

The final frontier was TV. We had said we wouldn't watch TV with Char.  Perhaps the odd episode of Sesame Street, but in no way would it be a part of our everyday lives.

Wow.  Were we out to lunch on that one.

Between my job, our collective ages (we're elderly, dude) and James' illness, a few episodes of Max & Ruby has made the difference between sanity and madness.  And I feel bad every minute she watches.  I feel like I've set her up for ADHD, depression, obesity and just about any other societal ill you can blame on non-specific sources.

So there it is.  Our dream of a free range baby conceived on organic kale, grown in a beautiful broth of nuts and berries, birthed at home in a tub, exclusively breast fed and given nothing but books and wooden toys has turned into... every other kid I know.

And I wouldn't trade her for the world.

Monday, June 27, 2011

So How Was Your Weekend?

Does anyone ever really answer that honestly?  Or does "good" pretty much sum it up?

Last we spoke, I was having trouble relaxing and enjoying what is.  I was facing 2 days of unplanned activities and I felt a bit panicky. I'm not used to having free time, between work, cooking, cleaning, child care and visiting the parental units. How did I handle it?  Well on Saturday I picked a fight with my husband.  It seems I can't leave well enough alone.

What was the fight about?  This time, work.  And about what would actually make me happy.  You see, I've been complaining about my work for as long as he's known me. He understands my frustration, as he has similarly banged his head against the wall with his photography.  I like to think we're both talented people who haven't caught a break.  His work is really stunning, actually.  I remember when we met he told me he was a photographer and I was a bit worried.  What if his stuff was terrible?  I'm not a good liar, what would I say then?  Fortunately that wasn't a problem.

So back to the fight.  I felt like he wasn't supporting my journey to be a happier person, to find out what worked for me, even if that meant doing things slightly differently, living in another city, or perhaps "downsizing" in a tradeoff for freedom.  I felt like fear was guiding his feelings and he was more worried about safety than my happiness.

But as is so often the case with James, the argument wasn't that simple.  What he was expressing was actually hitting very close to home - would changing the outside world somehow provide the magical answer I was looking for that would make me happy?  That really pissed me off.  And that's when I knew I'd better listen.

He pointed out the numerous things we had and that I had wished for in the past (a baby, then a healthy baby, then a new place, a bigger place, a nicer view, more money).  I had to admit that I had them all and yet here I was still reflecting on what wasn't good enough.  It makes him feel inadequate, because no matter what he does, he cannot fix this for me, or make me happy.

That really got me because it's not the first time I've heard it.  And I don't mean from him.

So, after a minor freak-out where I felt hurt and unsupported and angry, I had to admit he was right - I have a lot of trouble taking joy in the every day things that I have, in spite of how great they are.   I mean, if you'd told me 10 years ago that I'd have a doting husband who thought I was the greatest, a healthy baby girl, a lovely place to live and a job that pays as well as it does, I would have thought you were dreaming.  That it all happened, and I can't appreciate it, doesn't bode well for any future wishes unless I can get this sorted out.

I have to learn to enjoy what I already have.

But there was also a side of me that was thinking; just because I have trouble being happy doesn't mean I should just accept the things that aren't working in my life and wallpaper over them with some Jedi mind trick...  "That's not the life you're looking for."

The trick is, how do you stay happy in the present, while not losing site of what can and should be changed?  How can change be transformed from lack and "broken" to simply "different".

And if all it is, is different, is that worth doing at all?

M

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Learning to Relax

I'm an endless striver.

In some ways, that works very well for me.  I finished a masters degree, have attained a pretty high level of success in my career and have written 7 feature film screenplays and a book.  If I didn't have this ability to defer gratification and work towards a goal, none of these things would have happened.

But there is a down side.

Ambition can leave you unhappy with what you already have and wanting more.  This weekend I decided to do nothing as I was exhausted from a very active schedule over the past few months.    By Friday at about 6PM it was clear I had nothing on my plate for work for the weekend.  I had deferred visits with friends too, in order to get some downtime.  Should have been bliss, right?  All I could think about was "what could we be doing this weekend?"  Should we go and look at houses?  Should we go shopping?

I couldn't just relax and do nothing.  It felt wrong.

I think it actually points to an inability to be happy with what "is."  We have a perfectly lovely condo we're leasing until (we hope) the Toronto housing market calms the eff down (more on that insanity later).  Even if we have to leave because the landlord decides to sell, it won't be until February.  So why look at houses now?  It just sets up longing for something we don't have.

A few days ago I posted about wanting another baby.   There's nothing wrong with that, in and of itself, but I think about it so much I sometimes don't focus on the one that I have!  We got very lucky with Char and we likely won't get that lucky again.  I should be enjoying her, every day, instead of thinking of some future day when I may or may not be pregnant.  If I don't address this issue, I'll probably find something else to long for, even when pregnant or holding a newborn!

So, how do you take a quality that is very positive in some situations and turn it off for others?  Is there a way to reframe desires and wants so that they don't make you miserable?

Will I ever learn to truly relax and enjoy what is?

I think I'm starting to understand what I want from this year. Here's the list so far:

1. Enjoy my work - more importantly do the work that I am meant to do
2. Learning to relax - be happy with what is, without losing site of other goals

Things I'm still on the fence about:

3. Having a second child

Char got us up at 5am this morning for no discernible reason and I had a real "are you crazy" moment about having another.  Maybe it's unrealistic to expect you'll love every minute of parenting.  This worries me.

More to come in the days ahead.  My health is a biggie and one that I've neglected in a way that surprises me.  For a smart person I sure do some dumb things.

In the meantime, enjoy your weekend!  I will try!

M