What makes a place feel like home?
I'm not talking about tchotchkes, photos or decor. I'm talking about a deep knowledge that you are in the right place and the notion of leaving that place is almost unthinkable.
I haven't had that feeling for years.
We moved a fair amount when I was a child. Not military frequent moves, but often enough to have me in 3 different cities before I was 12. It unbalanced me a bit, I think. I cannot recall feeling much in the way of sadness or loss, anxiety or misery before I was 10, before the moves started. We were in a tiny house in a suburb of Oshawa and life was good. I had lots of friends, I played soccer and ringette. I was well liked. We didn't have a lot of "stuff" but we had a lot of relationships: grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and a social network that my parent's nurtured (and hosted).
Then the first move happened.
We landed in Regina, Saskatchewan. After southern Ontario, Regina felt very foreign, like the surface of the moon. We knew no one. Sure we had our own rooms this time and a nicer house, but we were starting from zero. The people of the city were kind, friendly and we settled in eventually. But then it happened again, after 2 years in Regina (and minus 40 degree winters), we were off to Ottawa. I never felt at home in Regina, but I was sad to leave. And I was not looking forward to going through the whole process of moving, making new friends and settling into a new school.
Ottawa felt more like home, perhaps because we spent 7 years there, but my family moved again, this time to start a new business in Aurora. I took an ill-advised detour and stayed behind in Ottawa, as it had come to feel like home. That, and a new romance that had just blossomed, the idea of leaving seemed wrong. Twelve months and a few crappy apartments later, I moved to join them in Toronto.
Other than a two year stint in LA, most of my time since the age of nineteen has been spent in Toronto.
I really don't like Toronto. I've tried, I've really tried. I thought the reason I didn't like it was that we lived in the 'burbs and I spent too much time in the car. So I moved downtown 10 years ago. The first few years were good; the bars, restaurants and theaters seemed novel, exciting. Slowly the annoyances started to outweigh the benefits. I'd grown older, moved on, gotten married. Then the baby came and the city seemed abrasive, overwhelming.
Our little condo, while never a dream home, now seemed small and cramped. There was no room for our baby, once she'd outgrown her tiny cot. It was time to move. We entered one of the most ridiculous and frustrating periods in recent history - the latest Toronto real estate boom. Tiny, run down semis were and are, fetching half a million dollars. Scores of people line up to get involved in "bidding wars" where they inadvertently compete to pay too much for a home. At one point, James and I looked at each other and decided "no more". We didn't want to play.
In the interim, we've had to move twice. Our first rental was a nightmare. A beautiful new building and luxury apartment turned into non-stop cavalcade of thoughtless workmen, fire alarms, inconsiderate neighbors and relentless road noise. We were so happy we hadn't purchased it. Not only was it outrageously expensive, the levels of stress we experienced made it feel like anything but home.
So where are we now? A pleasant condo in Mimico in a well run building with a great view of the lake.
Is it home?
No.
We've been taking day trips to smaller towns around the GTA, trying to find something that feels like "home". Stratford was our first stop; it's a lovely little town outside Kitchener/Waterloo and the home of the Stratford Festival. Housing is cheap and plentiful, the town is well appointed and a "river runs through it." It has a lot going for it. But it's small, maybe too small. Unfortunately I stumbled across the Fraser Institute's site ranking schools in Ontario. Stratford's schools don't do very well, which is a deal breaker for James and I. Charlotte's education is very, very important to us. On top of that, with both our families in the GTA, we're more than likely looking at lots and lots of driving on the dreaded 401. Yikes.
Today we went to Guelph. Also a pretty town (in the city centre anyway) and home to a handful of very good schools. A real view of the town was marred by a series of intense thunderstorms; we'll need to go back to get a better sense of the city again.
But that feeling I was looking for, that exhale, that sigh, that tells you you're on to something wasn't there. Maybe it was hiding under the storm clouds blanketing the city.
I think we'll need to keep looking...
M
